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..... Sahar Raman Deep

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Finding Myself!

March 30, 2013.

Always I thought I wanted to be myself! Myself? I was looking for myself:) MYSELF!

Strange.. Where was I looking for myself? Why was I looking for myself? And yet, constantly fighting with myself! Never did it occur to me, I need to accept myself before I could make myself reveal myself. After all, I am within me!

Such a simple thing.. And so easily overlooked.

It was on Friday last, that I decided to work on myself. I had continuously being working. But now, I could stop and think, what actually was required. For long, I had been running and running and running. And never realized I was running. Long back, I would often see me running breathlessly in my dreams, as if somebody, something were chasing me. I would run and run and run.. And slow down when my mind would. Or, when anxieties would start calming down, and I wake up refreshed. Even those dreams would not make me think, for I would start running as soon as I woke up. My mind never stopped, never thought.

You can either think or swim. I wasn't thinking, and I wasn't swimming. I dint know how to! Yet I thought I was doing both.

Then there came this time,when my anxieties brought me to the breaking point.  My feet stopped walking in 2005. Still, I ran. My mind did. I do not know what it wanted to accomplish. Perhaps, it wanted to cover the whole universe in one stride! Then failures. And frustrations... Try again, try again, try again. Then came a point, I could not even try again. Almost dead, wanted to kill myself. Depression. Panic. But mind ran. Still it wanted to ascend high. It ran. I slept, became inert, was bed ridden. It ran. Medicines could not stop me. They just lulled me temporarily. Even in that lull, I ran. I wanted to run. Chains gave me more frustration. Wanted to break them. I wanted to be free. To run. To stride. Even in chains I jumped, standing at the same place. Life came to a standstill. But I ran. I ran and ran and ran. Until I realized, I ran.

Last month, I thought I was alright now. I was not bedridden. I could walk. I had started walking. I decided to run. I had never stopped. So, here I go! I had rested enough. Now was the time I should catch up with the world. With all my zeal, I ran. Breathlessly, I ran. Haplessly, I ran. All I knew was, it is far where I have to reach. I dint know the way. I had not the means. I ran. I wanted money. I wanted the world. I dint want myself. I wanted others. Their approval. Their happiness. They wanted me to earn. So, I ran. They wanted me to support myself. I ran. It was after all my own good. I ran. One sane voice always warned me. Told me to relax. I dint listen. It warned me again. No, I want to move, tell me how to. It ignored me. I asked again. No answer. Are you there? No answer. Do you hear me? No answer. You don't listen to me deliberately. No answer. You don't want to guide me. No answer. You promised to guide me. No answer. You CHEAT!!! No answer. Frustrated, I ran. All alone, I ran.

And lo.. I fall. I cry. I want to die. O my god. I was getting well. O! I would have been alright soon. Those around me dint support me. I wanted to please them. I need to get well. I need my life. I need myself. I need myself. I broke. I need myself. That sane voice rose again. 'Buy some time.' How? I haven't got anything. You got your people. They will help you. No. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I want to be independent. It sucks to ask for favors. I can do it myself. And I ran. I struggled. I strived. I argued. No response. I need you. I am there. No, you aren't. Silence! Are you there? Are you there? I need you. Where are you? Where are you? Come on now, speak. Talk to me! Where are you? I need you. I can't survive without you. I am nothing without you. I do not exist without you. Come, speak to me. Talk to me. Please come. Please.

Ok.. I will do whatever you want me to. I will. Believe me. I will. I listened. Deep dark silence. Oh, where are you? Have you finally left me? No. I screamed out of sheer terror. Nothing like what I had known ever before. No. It can't be so. It can't be so. I caaaaan't be.

I listened to myself. Oh no. Oh no. What will I do. What will I do now. Where am I. Where am I. Oh I am already dying. Where are you? Please. Please. Please talk to me. Be with me.


Oh! My eyes glowed out of all tears. You are there. You are there. I held it tightly. I held it close to me. I held it close to my heart. I feel so war..? Warm? Where is the warmth? Why do I feel so cold? It is cold. Oh yes, it IS cold. But why? Soon, I was alone. Wondering. Why? Why are you so cold? Why were you so cold? Are you there? Have you left? Did you come? You dint come. You never did. All my cries could not call you back.

Hu... I see. Tears flowing like river, I closed my eyes. The river ran. Ran and ran. Until I sobbed. I fell asleep. I sobbed. There is no where to go. I sobbed. Where shall I go. I sobbed. I can't move. I sobbed. How can I go away from you. I sobbed. I can't. I sobbed. Actually, you moved already. I sobbed. I can't catch you. I sobbed. I can't. I sobbed. Come back. That plea. That last plea, and I sank. Come back. I decided to take my own course. I will move anyhow. I turned my eyes away. Started to rise. Turned me feet away, and the first step! Where am I going? That familiar pang of panic. I looked back. There was nothing. There was no one. All desert. All sand. Dry sand. And my tears. I turned back. Sat down slowly. I can't go anywhere. Where will I? Oh. I thought. For the first time ever, perhaps. Oh I can't go. But I can't even catch up with you. As if I became a statue. What should I do. I? I.. I will WAIT.

Wait? Yes. I resolved. I will wait until you come back. And if there is no coming back ever? Another pang. I was still. I will still wait. Are you sure? Yes. I submitted.

Anxieties started to move away. There was nothing to be done. So I rested. I calmed myself. I looked into the abyss. Nothing yet to be seen! After what it seemed like years, I saw again. Centuries passed, I looked again. Millenniums! Ages! Oh, I waited. I became sand. I became dust. I burnt. I melted and became water. I evaporated in air. I got lost in the sky. I waited. And, I rose. I felt myself returning. I smiled. No more cries. Just calm flow of tears. Of joy. Of satisfaction.

Yet, a long way to go. No more rejections of self. No more rejections of myself. No more rejections of my follies. No more over excitements. I felt peace coming in for the first time. No more effort. Let things happen. Things are actually happening. I accept myself as I am. With all my weaknesses, with all my badness and with all the good in me. Yes, I am. I am. You are. Oh.. You are. I find you in my soul. I find you. I find you.

I am now Complete. Whole!

... Sahar
Let's postpone our deaths for a few moments.... Love, Laugh and Live!